The day after that I still couldn’t breastfeed my son because there were no milk coming out of my breast. I felt soo sad. The nurses told me to relax, it will be okay, as long as I’ve got the motivation to breastfeed my son, then my body system will follow that unconscious command. My obgyn gave me vitamins to help with the breastfeeding issue. Soon enough, my body started to produce breastmilk and I have to thank the nurses at the hospital for showing me how to feed my baby.

There were also a lot of visitor. I must say, that I really appreciate the attention that everybody was trying to give, but it was probably not the best time to get a visit from so many people, since I was still overwhelmed of what happening. So, if you have a friend who just gave birth, you might want to check first if it’s okay to visit her.

Two days after giving birth I was discharged from the hospital. Since there were no complications to both me and my son, then we can get back home one day earlier than predicted. When I got back to my room suddenly I felt so alone. For the whole course of my life, my parents and family were always there with me. Now, with a new baby in my hand, I was alone. I wanted to cry so bad, but I supressed my tears. I was afraid to alert my husband for something that I thought was just a spike of hormones.

As many other new parents, I was shocked of the deprived sleep hours due to the baby constant diaper changing and feeding. Since I had episiotomy during my delivery, I was also experiencing pain during the whole time. Thank God that I have the most wonderful husband that helped me through all those sleepless nights. Finally I made and arrangement with my husband, when it came to feeding and getting the baby to sleep, I’d be on duty and when the baby needed a diaper change, he would be on duty. That way we got extra time to rest, rather than having the both of us waking up the whole night.

I didn’t know why, but I felt so blue then. All the images I had of a woman, looking very happy with a newborn was not my case. I felt alone, confused, disconnected from the baby. Many months later I found out that this what the medics called the baby blues syndrom. Here are an explanation of the syndrom:

The Baby Blues
After the birth of a baby about half of all mothers suffer a period of mild depression called the blues. This may last for a few hours or, at most, for a few days and then it disappears.

Symptoms of the Blues
Many mothers feel very emotional and upset when they have the blues and they cry for no particular reason. They may find that it is impossible to cheer up. Some mothers feel very anxious and tense. Minor problems may cause mothers with the blues to worry a great deal.

Some mothers have pains for which there is no medical cause or they may feel unwell but without any particular symptoms. Most mothers who have the blues feel very tired and lethargic most of the time. Frequently mothers who have the blues have difficulty sleeping.

Possible causes of the Blues.
The blues may have several causes, some biological and some emotional.
When a baby is born there are very sudden changes in the mother’s hormone levels. Some, required during pregnancy, drop rapidly, while others like those which start the production of milk, rise. These rapid changes may act to trigger the blues.

Many mothers are unprepared for the extreme weariness, which often follows a birth. The weariness is usually due to a combination of factors. In many cases the mother will have been anticipating the birth with some apprehension. This, as well as the physical exertion of the birth itself, can make mothers feel exhausted. Rest and quiet are most important after a birth. Few mothers get either, as they are busy responding to the needs of the baby, Or, when they might be able to rest, they are disturbed by hospital or home routines or by visitors who may stay too long.

Sometimes the baby may have a slight health problem such as jaundice or feeding difficulties in the early days. These problems are very common with new babies, but they cause mothers great anxiety. The problems do settle down as the baby gets older and mothers should try to talk to medical staff and allow themselves to be reassured that the baby will thrive.

source: The Baby Blues and Postnatal Depression

It took me a while to cope with everything, settling in as a mother, connecting with the baby and most of all loving all the hectic process of being a mother. I will tell more in future post.

It was July 21, 2007 10 AM

When I got a little better after the suffering of the first trimester, my husband asked me to helped out at his workplace. I was assigned to do administrative work on warranty and free service claim (he works at a authorized service outlet of an american brand automobile)

I was still working on some of the documents I’ve received for the day. Prepare them for the coming Monday. While I was working on the papers, my father called me and asked me to join him and the rest of my family for lunch. It was my mother’s birthday. “Ok dad! I am coming” was my reply.

14.00 PM

I went to Dapur Sunda, one of my family favorite restaurants. There was my whole family and my brother greeted me using my endeared nickname ‘chubby’. He told me that my father ordered extra portion of meals since he knew I was coming. My mother thought it would be too much, but my father insisted that I would be able to finish them.

Upon hearing this my response was, “Gee guys …I am not a trash compactor”. But soon afterwards my father’s prediction was right. There were no leftovers on the table. My brother jokingly said that too much meal would cost me an early labor. He reminded me of a relative that gave birth after eating so much on his birthday’s party. I responded by saying that I was probably going to have the baby tomorrow too though I didn’t think that would be possible since I was still 2 – 3 weeks away from my due date.

15.40 PM

After that late lunch, me and my husband went to a bookstore. My preordered Harry Potter 7 was ready. I got texted earlier that day. I was feeling vigorous that day. I didn’t feel tired at all, while normally the whole travel distance that we took would make me feel tired. Later I knew this was what the medics called the nesting syndrome. On the previous days, I’ve already done the cleaning, preparing every kind of tools and clothing for the baby and packed my bags and the baby’s for the hospital.

I got the Harry Potter and went straight home and indulged myself reading it. I was oblivious with anything that happened around me. My husband grinned and said “After you’ve done reading, I hope you still remembers that we’re married”. I only smiled at his words and continue reading. It was sometime around midnight that I felt tired and decided to go to bed.

July 22, 2007 5.00 AM

I woke up and did my morning prayer and then continued reading HP7 …

06.30 AM

I was feeling hungry and needed to take a bladder call. When I woke up there was this sound coming from my belly. It sounded like a bubble wobble and then followed by a mild bursting sound. I thought it was gas. So I went to the bathroom then straight to the dining room. As I stand on the side of the dining table I felt fluids running down my tighs. I looked down and stared, puzzled. My mother in law was there and I told her about the fluid and she said, “we should go to the hospital, your water just broke”

07.00 AM

Admitted at the hospital. It was Sunday. The nurses checked for my vital signs and asked for signs of contraction. I said I had none. No sign of labor following. The nurse checked for dilation. It was only one centimeter.

08.00 AM – 14.32 PM

She then called my obgyn. Later on the nurse put an IV infusion. The labor had to be induced since there was no contraction. At this point I’ve lost track of time. I was just lying there, praying. Hoping for the baby and me to be safe. My husband called my family and about an hour later my mom was there. I’ve noticed two of my cousins were there too. They asked me if I wanted something. I said nope. I was beginning to feel the induced contraction.

I still managed to swallow small portion of meal for lunch. The pain of contraction increased more and more. Then the nurse did the pre-labor procedure which includes enema, cleaning your lower bowel content. Oh well…let’s just get over with it. I didn’t really care because the pain of contraction had really taken all my attention. After the whole bowel cleansing thing I went back to bed and started to experienced intense contraction. I called the nurse and asked her to check on my dilation. She checked, I was 5 cm dilated. She called the obgyn and told her to come right away.

The obgyn then told the nurse to slow down the infusion. She did just that and prep me for delivery. I was moved to the delivery room. During the whole time, I only prayed to God to give me strength that I need to deliver this baby. Soon the doctor arrived, and the delivery process thus begun. It took me 6 times to push the baby out. Thank God. My baby boy finally arrived safely into this world. All the pain I felt was gone. Probably due to the endorphin that flooded through my vein. Thank God again…it was a very big thing to experience as a woman. I am grateful of it.